July 2020: Letter to Noah - National Parents Day

Below is a letter I wrote to my son in the throes of the pandemic. It’s difficult to fathom what the long-term impacts really will be to a generation of children who were thrust online during the formative middle school years.  This is a reminder of how hard it was in the moment.

July 16, 2020

Dear Noah,

As I write this from my WFH office (you probably know that acronym by now…Work from Home) where I’ve been working since the COVID-19 pandemic started, I am listening to you excitedly – and somewhat loudly – play Fortnite with your buddies in the adjacent room. I hear you in a constant chat with your friends: making plans and alliances to win the game together, sometimes competing against each other, making mistakes and handling those with care at times and with defensiveness at times.  I hear you learning to be a good friend, learning to work with others, learning to compromise, and learning the hard lessons of competitions and friendships. All-important life lessons to learn.

My son and I...a year before

But.

My heart breaks knowing that you are learning this through a virtual video game and a headset instead of on the ballfield, or the playground, in a classroom, or around Legos and board games. While you are learning these lessons, you are also learning that life outside of video games for you can be kind of boring, that your happiness is attached to being entertained, and that if you are frustrated or annoyed, well, then, you can just hit the off button. I can only imagine the isolation you feel as an only child when you aren’t engaging with your peers. After all, you are twelve – a time where friends are becoming crucial to figuring out the world around you.

When we adopted you from Kazakhstan eleven years ago, we knew our lives were about to radically change. (In fact, one of the best pieces of advice I got was to not consider it a “change”, but rather to look at one chapter of our lives ending and a marvelous, yet challenging, new one beginning!) I love our new chapter – challenges and all. Recently, I looked back at the letter we wrote you the night before you fully and finally came into our lives. Here is an excerpt:

So, how did I fall in love with you so fast? I’m not sure I can articulate that really. But, I know that you are our son and always have been. It took us a few months to find you, but we knew when we did that you were meant to be a Fox/Larsen. There are a few key traits that you have which will help you adjust to life with our family.

You smile and laugh a lot. Life is going to be tough and you will have moments of sheer frustration. Like when Pops is teasing you about something you did or when Papa takes you fishing in the river and you don’t catch any fish – you will need to be able to laugh.

You are observant. You are the only baby we’ve met here who intently watches the other babies, children and adults in the room. You seem to notice everything & in some way you are making sense of it all. This will be important as you grow up and explore all the options and opportunities that we find for you.

You are determined. You aren’t blindly focused – but when you see something you want (at this point that is typically a toy and not always your toy) you make an effort to get it.

Those traits are still with you today. Your sense of humor and cleverness keeps me laughing and on my toes.  Your powers of observation are astounding. And your determination, once applied to causes outside of Fortnite and the like, will serve you well. So, even though this year is a mess and you’ve had way too much time alone, I am hopeful that these traits will help you persevere when faced with challenges and choices in the future.

I’ve found parenting a young boy pushing his way into adolescence is markedly more challenging in the age of Fortnite, COVID-19, and the racial unrest we have throughout our country. Managing keeping you grounded in the real world while the virtual world tries to seduce you was difficult enough before we were hit by a global pandemic forcing us to stay home and avoid all group events. Practically overnight we lost the support structures and systems we relied on to help you grow and develop strong values and morals – Little League, school, Boy Scouts, church groups, socializing with neighborhood families. All gone in the blink of an eye and replaced with more online activities, thus increasing the screen time and your access to all the content of the internet.

I’ve had to reach deep down to stay committed and focused on your growth as it is solely and squarely on our shoulders now. I’ve made many mistakes over the past few months (I bet you just chuckled didn’t you…), and I expect to make many more. But one thing I do know. I’m honored that you found us and that God brought our family together; and I will do everything I can to help ensure that your last year of childhood is fun, positive and productive before you enter your magical teenage years. 

Noah, I hope you enjoyed reading this letter as much as I enjoyed writing it.  

And, for anyone else reading it, thank you all for letting me share a little about Noah and my challenges as a working mom. I read every email and note I receive, so if you feel inclined to share about your child(ren) I would love to hear your story!

Have a great weekend and Happy National Parent’s Day.

Amelia Fox